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HOW TO GEESE -- revised 7/28/97
By 'The Hawk'
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WARNING
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DO NOT attempt to penetrate a goose! You WILL kill it! The tissue inside
is very delicate and can rupture easily without you even noticing!
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ACCESS
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Geese are very cheap and can be bought for 20 dollars full grown. You will want
the biggest and most aggressive geese you can buy. Sex is determined by a
process called "vent sexing". IE, you grab the base of the tail and squeeze.
If it is a male, you will cause the penis to pop out. If it is a female, you
will get her to expose the egg laying vent. Geese can be obtained any where.
The local news papers are an excellent source.
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BEHAVIOR
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Let the goose get to know you. Males are rather dominate, so let them
dominate you. The idea is not to have him backing down, hissing at you.
Get to know the goose first. Once he trusts you, and your good friends,
you can do other activities with him!
A few important facts are:
MOUNTING
A goose MUST be able to mount and grab something with its mouth in order
to become sexually excited. They don't care what they mount, so long as
they can dig in with their feet and grab something with their mouth.
TAIL
A goose cannot orgasm if its tail is not able to bend down.
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HOW TO DO!
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You will most likely want two male geese. A goose will mount anything when
it is horny. I have had my geese mount other males and even chickens. So
long as they can mount it, and grab a neck, they will climax. By having
two males, you can swap one off on the other!
Let me clear up one thing first. From the guys, I am constantly asked "how
do you get it in?" Well, YOU DON'T! You can seriously injure a goose if you
penetrate it. The tissue inside is very thin and if it ruptures, the goose
will die within 24 hours. I know from first hand experience. Due to society
and their fucking prejudices against zoophiles, fact files like this were not
available. I ended up killing an animal out of pure ignorance. Don't let
this happen to you! It really hurts to loose a lover like that. Anyway, you
are going to have to have "outercourse". This pretty much means you will have
to do your thing, while you please the goose. It's tempting, but PLEASE, don't
attempt to have intercourse with a goose.
STEP ONE
Lay down a bunch of old towels or better yet, an old blanket in the area you
want to have sex in. I am certain you have heard the phrase "like s**t out of
a goose!", well, it is true! Geese will go and go and go, and when you think
they are finally done, they go some more!
The bathroom is perfect. You need a place that is quiet and well lit. Geese
do not have sex in the dark and can be come distracted by outside noises. Lay
down completely naked with them, and let them get used to you. Next, grab the
mountee (other goose or chicken) and hold him gently. If you make it obvious,
the goose will recognize what is going on, and will walk over immediately and
attempt to mount the mountee.
STEP TWO
The rest of this file will assume Male geese since there is not much that can
be done with a female without hurting her.
Let the goose climb up and settle in. Once the goose grabs the mountee's head
and does a few test jerks to make certain he is well situated, sex will begin.
At this time, you need to immediately get under his tail, and place your mouth
over his opening. Try not to disturb him. If he lets go and just sits there,
this means he is nervous and he may not continue.
STEP THREE
The goose will quickly bend his tail down and will hopefully be pushing directly
into your mouth. -- BE CAREFUL!!-- When the goose orgasms, the penis will shoot
out under a fair amount of pressure. During my learning process, the first time
this happened, he moved and I got ejaculate shot up my nose. The second time, I
got it shot down my throat and it caused me to choke! (yes, I did enjoy choking
on it!)
The goal here, is to position yourself so that he will shoot off into the side of
of your mouth and into your cheek. This can be difficult, since the goose will be
rubbing and twisting his tail around. You must keep your mouth over the opening
because you won't know when he will go off. Do NOT get excited and start pushing
into his tail. If you get his tail too high, he cannot orgasm.
Sometimes, he will bend down, hold, and just will not go off. If this happens,
you can quickly reach up and squeeze the base of the tail and help him go off.
This is NOT recommended, because you can cause him to go off prematurely. If he
goes off too soon, he will orgasm, but you will not get any ejaculate.
If all goes well, you will get a quick gentle pop in the cheek. When this happens,
you get a very tangy, tasty treat! Nothing is more glorious then hearing the
trumpet of a goose when he orgasms! After he orgasms, he will start off with a
slow, low pitch quiet scream which will quickly get loud and raise in pitch. His
whole body will shake, and he will rapidly shake his still folded wings. He will
then let out 3 or 4 quick high to low pitched screams. Most geese will throw their
head back when they orgasm. Others will continue to hold onto the mountee during
the whole orgasm. Even if they fall off during the orgasm, they will continue
to hold on! Either way, it is exciting and tasty!!
WRAP UP
Geese have a remarkable recovery rate. A horny goose can be ready to go again
within 2 minutes of his last orgasm. You only get ejaculate once, unless he was
still holding a little back from last time. But, he can still get more orgasms.
I once had a goose go 5 rounds! Remember to keep his tail covered with your mouth
at all times. When they orgasm, they spray ejaculate in all directions due to the
cork screw shape. It starts immediately as it pops out, and continues until fully
extended. Here is to hoping you and your goose have a lot of fun, warm nights!
--- Hawk ---
Look for other "how to bird" fact files from your favorite avian birdophile!
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HOW TO RAPTORS
By 'The Hawk'
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SCOPE
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This covers only meat eating birds (raptors). That would be Eagles,
Hawks, Falcons, and Owls.
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WARNING
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These birds have RAZOR sharp talons and can draw blood with just one
strike of the foot. Do not attempt to court a bird that is not familiar
with you!! It will have you for lunch!
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ACCESS
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Branchers (just able to perch, young hawks), are the best to start with.
You can raise one of these, and they will imprint (think your mommy) on
you and will be a friend for life. Haggards (wild caught) are the most
practical and obtainable, however, they are also the most difficult to
work with.
These type of birds will require owning one. There are many books on
Falconry which will cover the "how to catch" and "how to care for" part.
Don't ask a Falconer for help. *ALL* falconers, except for a hand few, in
the USA are pure assholes, and will refuse to help you if they know you
are only interested in hawks as a pet (god help you if you dare say lover!).
And out of those, only about 10 percent are willing to help you with their
own sport of falconry. Plus, it is illegal in the US to own a pet hawk.
I know, I have been arrested twice (like that will really keep me away from
my lovers.)
So, the "how to get one" part I will leave up to your imagination. Don't
try them unless you are a hopeless bird-o-phile. To put up with the hassle
and annoyance of caring for one, you must truly love them first.
Over all, your best bet is to get an owl. These birds are very friendly,
even if they are wild.
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BEHAVIOR
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With the exception of Owls, the birds are very aggressive by nature.
They have only 3 thought modes:
OBSERVE
FLEE
KILL
The bird will be at its default state of OBSERVE and will switch to FLEE
whenever your near it. When you get even closer, you can trigger the bird
to go into KILL. Therefore, it is a must for you to get to know the bird
before attempting anything with it. A wild bird will take about 2 weeks
before it will calm down enough for you to even approach it. It will take
6 months before you will be able to hold him on the fist. So, don't expect
to capture a hawk and start having fun with him unless you get to know him
first!
Owls are totally opposite. An owl will sit on the fist, and it will act
like you have owned him for years! Anyone starting out, an owl would be
an excellent starter bird. They are very calm during the day (since this
is their sleep cycle) and you can pet them and snuggle them. Owl are
extremely soft. More so then even a hawk. Here, the beak is to be watched.
Owls will pop you with their beaks, not their talons. Owls love popping
their beaks, even if it is just to make the sound alone!
A few important facts are:
STRIKE ZONE
Anything in the front of the bird is susceptible to being struck with the
talons. Keep clear of this area. Having a hawk bind (grab and not let go)
to you is no fun! It will draw blood, and you cannot unbind them. I have
had to literally pray each talon out of my skin, one at a time with my free
hand. Should this happen to you, you can try and rotate your hand so the
hawk thinks it is falling. If he thinks he is falling, he will unbind and
fly off. However, if the hawk is totally pissed, he will squeeze harder and
do nothing but flap his wings. Either way, it is painful and is to be avoided
at all costs. ALWAYS think of and be aware of the strike zone.
HIGHER IS BETTER!
All birds seek higher ground. If your walking along, the hawk WILL fly off
your fist and land on whatever high surface that's available. Be aware of
this. If you have a hawk inside the house, he will fly and land on the
curtains. No matter how close to the ceiling they are!
BLIND SPOTS
Hawks have no backs. Just ask one! You can put your chin on their head,
kiss their backs. Put their backs into your chest, kiss their heads, what
ever! They may on occasion, turn around, then they will see you and react,
but if you put your chin on their head, they will not always react. Try it
on a bird your familiar with and trust.
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HOW TO DO!
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Ok,ok. On with what your really reading this for!
Let me clear up one thing first. From the guys, I am constantly asked "how
do you get it in?" Well, YOU DON'T! Your dealing with a 1/4 inch hole, so
I should hope you can't! Your going to have to have "outercourse". This
pretty much means you will have to do your thing, while you please the hawk.
A hawk will respond sexually to being licked, if you do it just right. Don't
worry about the scat (called "slicings" or "mutes" in falconry terms.) Hawks
do not have slicings like any other bird or animal. So, please don't confuse
this with the typical horrible smelling feces of other animals. Hawk slices
have NO ODOR and is perfectly clean!! So please don't get grossed out as I
continue. You must see it to understand it. Actually, the cream of a hawk
(also called "chalk", "bird white" or "bird lime") is very sweet in taste.
Only the clear liquid and dark solids are bitter. You will only get exposed
to this if you suck on their tail, causing the hawk to go!
STEP ONE
Inorder to keep the hawk calm, you will want to have sex in a low or no light
area. Hawks, when in observe mode, will track your every move and can trigger
into flee at any second. So, it must be quiet and dark. A place I prefer is
in my shower. I let the hawk fly to the shower rod, turn the lights off, get
the water going, and go from there. The constant sound of the water prevents
the bird from being disturbed by other sounds, plus it is very relaxing.
STEP TWO
You will need to protect your hand and get the hawk to perch on it. I have
used gloves, towels and shirts. A t-shirt wrapped around the hand makes for
fair protection, the bird has a good grip and the shirt is light. It allows
you to feel what he is doing.
All birds seek higher ground. To get the bird on, take your protected hand
and push against his feet. This will trigger KILL mode, so expect a quick
hard pop. Typically, the bird will strike, hold, sense this is higher
ground and then calmly climb up. If the bird still refuses to get on, try
pushing on the back of the legs. The bird will get scared of falling and
will sometimes back step and back step onto your fist.
STEP THREE
BIRD FUN! Hold your fist so it is still pointing up. Keep the bird facing
away, and always be aware of his strike zone. Next, find his tail and get
under it. This will scare the bird at first, he does not know what your
trying to do. You will have to play chase the tail for a while until you
get a few licks in.
When the bird spins his tail around, you can twist your arm,
and bring him back towards you. Always keep your face out of the strike
zone. If it is too dark, use your free hand to feel for his tail. Or
better yet, crack the bathroom door some to gain just enough light. You
must always be aware of what end of the bird you have at all times. It is
real easy to loose an eye if your not aware of what is going on. Seriously,
it is a GREAT idea to wear safety glass when doing a hawk. No joke.
Eventually, you will get one good lick in, and the bird will wise up to
what is going on! Then, he will stop twisting around on your fist and let
you have fun! It is hard to know where your at on a bird. Feel with your
tongue. The area you want is located just above the two end bones under
the tail. Use your lips to feel for the points of these bones and wet the
feathers around the area just above it. When you hit the right spot, the
bird will do one of two things:
MALES
Male birds will lift their tail up so you can get better access, and then
bend it back down. He will then squat down and start twisting his tail into
your face. How the bird responds will depend on the bird. I have had one
bird get pretty wild! I could hardly keep up with the tail rubbing on that
bird! Anyway, while he is twisting and rubbing, he will put his beak down
and start grabbing and tearing at your fist. He will then start flapping
his wings wildly like he is trying to fly off. Finally, he will immediately
stop and stand up. Success! HAWK ORGASM!!
You won't get any cum. Or atleast I have never gotten any as such.
From what I understand from books, they give so little, it can hardly be
detected. But I am not into it for just that! If you want, you can to
repeat the process. Depending on the bird, he may or may not respond with
more wing flapping. (hell, can you cum more then twice!)
FEMALES
Female birds will lift their tails straight up in the air, and will start
pushing down into your face. They don't bend their tails down. They will
do some twisting and will on occasion flap their wings. Female birds are nice
because you can keep licking them again and again, and they don't get tired of
the attention like males do.
WRAP UP
If you discover you like hawk slices, be careful of one thing. Don't suck
too hard on the tail. You can easily draw blood and hurt the bird. The skin
there is very sensitive. All that is needed is a slight suction to cause the
bird to give up the goods. Talk about non-dairy creamer for your coffee! YUM!
--- Hawk ---
Look for other "how to bird" fact files from your favorite avian birdophile!
